blissmonger.com

note to self

Note to self: listen up when your body is telling you that it needs a rest and that project just needs to sit for another day, OK? Accidentally cutting off the ends of the strands of the necklace instead of threading them through some findings, and then accidentally spewing beads on the floor because you forgot to fasten the clamps on the ends of the strands while restringing them all--that's several clues to have taken a break already. No, you are not wearing that necklace tomorrow, and apparently it's not part of the overall scheme of things, which will become clear at some later time. So get over it, go take that walk out in the beautiful evening, regroup and start again tomorrow. K?Thxbai.

When you least suspect it

Sometimes when I log in to the Mac computer I have access to at work, the dialog box jiggles if it doesn’t want to recognize me as a valid user. On those days, no matter how many times I attempt to log in, the box just jiggles for a few seconds and then stands stolidly still, until I give in, totally shut down and reboot.

That’s how I felt last night around 4:30–-there was some energetic jiggling going on, and I had to reboot in order to get over it. My son was gearing up for the transition back to his dad’s house on a less than smooth note, my printer suddenly decided not to allow yellow ink to flow through the print head, and I didn’t feel like cooking anything for dinner.

If I had been alone, this mood might have degenerated into ordering take-out Chinese and some more delving into the world of my latest literary joy, Terrence McKenna. But I wasn’t alone, I paid attention and followed where I was led in my body, and the whole experience shifted into another dimension.

First I realized I had a hankering for Thai food, and scoured a couple cookbooks for basic recipes. I needed ingredients no matter the recipe, so I pushed through some resistance about going to the grocery store and purchased the necessary supplies to bring my flavor quencher to life. Several other items that I use on a regular basis were on sale, so the trip was a great investment of time, money and repurposing old perceptions.

While I pulled dinner together, my helper put on some soothing music and pulled out some dvds from which to choose a cinematic diversion for the rest of the evening. Feast of Love was the clear winner and it did not disappoint. The setting, the story line, the actors and the theme all combined to make a soul-satisfying mix of sound and imagery and connection on many levels.

The printer sits waiting patiently for me to come home and attempt to bring the clogged print head to life after 24 hours per the instructions in the manual, I have some awesome leftovers for lunch, and some lines from the movie are pleasantly sticking with me in the back of my mind today. And I’ve had experience breaking out of an old pattern that could shift some behavior around in new and unexpected ways down the road.

I. love. my. life.

such artistry

Early in the trip I asked for vegetarian food. At every meal I have been offered a bowl of rice and cabbage cooked in Northern Chinese style. Sometimes a dish of peanuts has livened the cuisine. I expect no change in the fare, and wait patiently for my food. The others begin to eat. They finish their meal. I am still waiting. I wonder if my dinner has been forgotten.

I am ready to fill my bowl with plain rice when the waiter walks into the dining room carrying an array of dishes which he arranges before me. He returns with more until there are almost a dozen dishes on the table. This is no meal. It’s an offering.

Everyone becomes silent before such artistry. Wild black mushrooms shimmer in a glossy red sweet-and-sour sauce, leafy greens are bright and fresh and warmed with ginger. Spicy bean curd is flecked with fiery red peppers. Tiny slivers of carrots, fresh-sliced bamboo shoots, and deep-fried gluten puffs float in golden sesame sauce.

I stare at the food in awe, my mind blank. The only sound comes from the ceiling fan rhythmically stirring the humid air. Then the cook enters and approaches our table. He bows low before me. He is grateful to me, he explains, because since his years as a cook in a Buddhist monastery, he had little opportunity to cook vegetarian food for anyone who appreciates it.

The wild mushrooms, he tells me, were picked in a nearby forest. The greens are from gardens known for the quality of their vegetables. He bows slowly, and thanks me once again. I stumble over my own words of gratitude as he quietly disappears into the kitchen. I never see him again.

I didn’t sleep that night. The cook’s reverence and humility sliced through years of protective hardness and caught me without warning. His food was saturated with love, and its nurturance was almost too much to bear.

Anne Scott - Serving Fire

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's been about a week or so since I read these words for the first time. Their initial power has worn off, but another quieter, gentler fortitude lingers. I have experienced meals like this that overwhelmed me with their energy and love, not to mention incredible taste and texture. I keep coming back to this section in a book I'm reading, and savor the idea of coming upon a slice of life so sweet, so gracious, that I can't speak. At least once a day would be good.

bliss beads

These images qualify under the gratitude category, as they are the result of much time and effort and conjuring and blissmongering. They are what I want them to look like, and I love it. I made the focal point beads and strung the rest of them along for the yummy ride.

nudges 07.28.08

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Rhubarb, which called to me at the grocery store today and ended up in some cake that just came out of the oven. Haven't had rhubarb since I was six or seven, pulled out of the ground and sprinkled with sugar.Yu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-m-yum;

2) The guidance I choose to listen to that brings me ideas and vehicles of expression that make my heart sing;

3) Remembering that something that bothers me is ultimately boring at bottom;

4) The opportunity to practice what making my own schedule would be like with sneak peeks into extended freedom from the safety of organized living;

5) Recognizing that I have gifts to give, and they must come forth if I am to feel fulfilled;

6) Confidence borne of experience is very sweet;

7) Relaxing into traffic and construction delays;

8) Knowing that such awesome stuff is on its way.

nudges - 07.16.08

I am so happy and very grateful for:

 1) A significant other who articulates what's on his mind and his appreciation of me (very smart guy :-);
 2) The increasing capacity to recognize nudges from my casting director and enjoy the services of a toaster over/food dehydrator, a case to transport jewelry to prospective merchants, and a package of metallic stuff to make my own beads with;
 3) The ability to see that's it's never about me, and that I can raise my vibration to keep it from happening in the first place;
 4) All those who have gone before and quit their day job;
 5) Air conditioning
 6) Being a strong wanter;
 7) Witnessing a genuine interest in law of attraction in my son;
 8) Inhabiting my body as a full participant and not just a reluctant observer;
 9) The scab is gone from my biopsy point-of-entry and I refrained from picking at it before it could fall off by itself - I know, too much information;
10) The opportunity to take a yoga class at work from an excellent instructor;
11) The simple allure of a free weekend;
12) Closure, and the space it creates for the new.

nudges 06.06.08

Oooooooooooooo, tomorrow is 6/7/08.

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Air conditioning. I wilt without it, and the hot snap we're having here for a few more days is prime wilting weather;

2) How the psyche works, cluing us in to things it wants to process, with dreams, and serendipity, and promptings that lead us out of the darkness;

3) Having nowhere I need to be this weekend;

4) Watching people follow my lead by bringing in food at work to help relieve the craziness of the pace right now. It warms the cockles of my heart to see watermelon, gourmet goodies, chips and salsa, and pretzels brought in since I started it off with organic tortilla chips and dark chocolate-covered soy beans;

5) The ability to laugh at myself, rather than melt into a puddle, regardless of the circumstances;

6) The sprouting cala lilies in the pot by the window. I know now that they will be huge, so they will need to go outside at some point;

7) Libraries, and interlibrary loan. It's like having the world's printed matter at your finger tips. Unless of course what you want is some obscure title that no one ha ever heard of;

8) Organic vanilla ice cream with cinnamon mixed in, and organic maple syrup on top.

nudges 5.27.08

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) The mobility and freedom I have to go where I want to go and do what I want to do;

2) Fireworks;

3) Sleeping in three days in a row;

4) Fabulous food prepared with intention and with love;

5) Barkley the wonder dog;

6) Handmade paper that make my heart sing;

7) Starting on my video project;

8) Transcending time and space on truffles;

9) Russian olive bushes.

rhythms, integrations

I've dubbed myself with a new moniker - I am a blissmonger.

I've played around with this name for awhile now, and I've started building an online space where it can express itself. When I get closer to having that nailed down, I'll let you peek. My life is so full and so blessed and so crazy wonderful, it's only right to give back and share this with other people.

I appreciate so very much:

1) Being around people who keep their energy up and sustain a vibe of play and fun and shining brightly with who they are. It makes for such delicious interaction, even with virtual strangers;

2) Spring springing like it is - I suppose I'll be a tad crestfallen if the snow that's predicted comes to fruition later on, but now, it is just perfect;

3) Healing touch and skin-to-skin communication. Nothin' like it;

4) The Internet and the freedoms it allows me. Truly amazing;

5) Meals prepared with love and perfection;

6) Music that stirs up the ancient Brazilian and East Indian and Aborigine and Cuban, etc., etc., ancestral blood in me that must have escaped the genealogical research done on both sides of my families. Must find a place to study belly dancing;

7) Friends far-flung across cyberspace who make every day such a joy;

8) Love. It's what it's all about. Every minute of every day, regardless of any so-called evidence to the contrary.

nudges 4.3.08

I appreciate so much:

1) Finding bright orange and pink accessories, my latest color fascination, at the dollar store with which to update my bathroom. $10 and viola! a new room;

2) Finding awesome clothes at the thrift store that included quite a bit of orange with which to jump-start my wardrobe into spring and leave this dreary winter behind;

3) Big oval bathtubs and fireplaces;

4) Big heavy coverlets that just coax you into sleep;

5) Neighbors and landlords who take care of your packages that arrive while you're away;

6) Knowing that you've internalized something rather than just being excited about a concept;

7) RadioParadise;

8) Trust;

9) Making my first sale of a blissmonger bracelet - more to come;

10) Boston Terriers who teach me about letting go;

11) Chocolate beet brownies

nudges 03.17.08

I am so happy for and appreciate so very much:

1) Little Man placing 3rd in his age group for the Pinewood Derby, and his subsequent glee in taking home a trophy bigger than the participation one;

2) Being appreciated for the work that went in to making the car;

3) The opportunity to open myself up mind, body and soul to another person, and see what's there for both of us;

4) Meeting cool people, like the one who has a house made of straw bales and mud on her property, and the one who was born in the same city as I was;

5) Bumping into a Tom Leonard coaching book - his presence stays with me even though I never met the man and he transitioned several years ago;

6) Witnessing the Oprah and Eckhart phenom; it's ground-breaking and good for the planet;

7) Getting pushed and challenged to reach for more and show up as who I really am;

8) Birthday presents;

9) Sharing meals of organic food prepared with love and satisfaction;

10) Homemade ginger tea with honey and lemon.

nudges 3.10.08

I was just rummaging around in the dark recesses of my collective psyche, looking for some artifiacts I might label anxiety, playing it small, doubt, uncertainty of who I really am, you know - the usual suspects.

They were nowhere to be found. Even when I gave them all a huge head-start on negative self-talk tapes looping with, "Well, what about this? Or this?"

Nope.

They were having none of it.

Not today.

And there's a new presence in the mix.

A sort of playful puppy of a personality facet, jumping and pouncing and investigating and saying, "Hey! Wanna play?"

Yeah, I do.

And I appreciate so very much:

1) Feeling happy while savoring the thought of being able to spend time with someone - no concerns about where or when or what, just happy to think about it;

2) Seeing my son do and hearing him say things I've held intentions lately for showing up and holding hte space for - creating worlds like he used to out of paper and markers and tape and blocks, and not arguing about every little thing - truly awe-inspring;

3) Goat cheese, a newly discovered taste sensation - excellent on pizza;

4) Glittery stuff like beads that make girls shine from the inside out;

5) A deep-down knowing of well-being, the depths of which I can't imagine ever reaching;

6) Hints of spring, like sunshine and melting snow;

7) Friends who show up to play on so many levels.

nudges 02.06.08

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Being able to identify that it's the glee behind the gratitude that energizes me and gets me beyond the heaviness of "I should be grateful";

2) Looking back to my life a year ago and how different it is now, what cool people I've met, what interesting things I've found to do, what self-enhancing beliefs I've created;

3) Meeting Todd, who introduced me to Susan, who attracted Cris and Charlie and ea, who brought along Carla, who introduced me to the diva sisters;

4) Change;

5) Savoring and anticipating who I get to play with this weekend and what might happen;

6) My son, who is the source of so many realizations and shifts that I make;

7) The Red Food banquet that will be happening in a few hours a few feet away from where I am typing this--I brought Red Lentil and Sweet Potato Curry;

8) Totally choreographed-by-my-casting-director conversations that revive and inspire me, like discovering that some people smell their life's purpose;

9) William Hull.

nudges 1.13.08

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Joining the 30-day intention group and meeting all the awesome people in it who inspire me every day with their intentions and how they live their lives;

2) Rediscovering pastels and allowing soul messages to flow through them;

3) Quiet time, to rest, recharge and come up with more wacked out stuff;

4) Homemade chicken soup in the crockpot - yum;

5) Being honored with the telling of other people's stories;

6) Alex, my new imaginary friend, who is hanging out with me for awhile;

7) A foot of snow, for its arrival and swift departure;

8) The lighter-than-air feeling of decluttering;

9) Every new morning and the opportunity to start all over again.

nudges 12.26.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) One of the most pleasant holiday seasons in a very long time, connecting with friends in ways that made it special;

2) Being invited to share a holiday meal by my ex's wife. She rocks the house, and it was an interesting dynamic at the table with former in-laws and present extended family;

3) Venus with Peter O'Toole, Buena Vista Social Club with some fabulous musicians and setters of example on how to enjoy life, and Enchanted April with an Italian setting and the transformational powers it possesses;

4) Anticipation and savoring, that gets the chi moving;

5) Clarification of what I want, peeling away the layers, identifying new things on the horizon;

6) The purely psycholigical line in the sand of a new year upon us, such a sweet drawing near.

focus here

Q: I know I have many questions but I find that I often disavow my own knowing by asking someone who I put on a platform. And so I came to sit in the chair because I wanted to have the experience of feeling you with me, and so I could feel our commonality rather than to feel our difference, because I tend to make the difference the factor so that I diminish myself.

Abe: And we want to help you to achieve that by acknowledging to you that we would not be here expressing at all if it were not for the summoning by that which is you.

It’s an interesting thing — humans want nonphysical to be complete and perfect, and they want to see themselves as unworthy and trying to catch up with that. When really what’s happening is that you, in your worthiness and your perfection, have come forth into this environment in order to conjure desire that summons that which is us. So we are the support of that which you are becoming. You are the leading edge, we’re following through with that which you lead.

(Pause)

Q: Could you just say that one more time? (Laughter.) I mean, I got it but I just want to feel it, to hear you say it again.

Abe: The appreciation that nonphysical feels for the physically-focused human who bangs around in the contrast for the express purpose of giving birth to a new desire which summons All-That-Is forward into the bright new place. And without that expansion, we would all cease to be.

So you are not, and have never been, broken and substandard, trying to [get] back into Heaven or the nonphysical. You’ve always been the creative genius out here on the leading edge carving the path for All-That-Is to follow. We’re all in this together, and as we’ve said many times today, we seek to blur the line between what is physical and nonphysical. We would like to imbue you fully with the fullness that is us. We would like you to consciously love you as we consciously love you. But we cannot tweak your brain to make you think — you get to think. That’s that free will. And that free will is so essential in the contrasting, comparative experience because if you did not have free will you could not conjure a new desire. And if you could not conjure a new desire we could not move forward, you see.

And so we would just like you to love yourself more and allow yourself more of the benefit that you are providing for all of us. You see, whether you allow it [for yourself] or not, the Universe expands and benefits by your very presence here. And when we talk about Art of Allowing, we just want you in on the fun. Because whether you allow it or not the Universe expands and whether you know it or not you are of value. And whether you know it or not, we all benefit by your existence. When you know it, when you know your value, then you get warm, fulfilling feeling, that oneness that we think is what you’re really reaching for.

--Abraham

nudges 12.03.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) My gut/intuition/instincts that I am learning to trust more and more as they serve me unerringly when I allow them to;

2) Growing up in the frozen tundra so that anything else seems balmy in comparison;

3) An automobile that takes me safely wherever it is I want to go;

4) Good friends - they are life's lighthouses;

5) Effortlessness - it's astounding when it shows up;

6) A day job that allows me to play;

7) Coworkers who play with me;

8) Espresso, for the days I really could use a boost;

9) The internet in all its vastness, wackiness and coolness;

10) Pool tables;

11) Open-heart surgery, the non-invasive variety that is just as life-altering;

12) Chefs who do what they do because they love it, for their customers who appreciate it so;

13) A universe that takes such very good care of me.

nudges 11.24.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) The grandfather-type dude who showed Little Man some ins and outs of the model train exhibit we went to the other day;

2) Small-town post offices that have no one in line when you need to mail packages;

3) Better living through pharmacology that's vastly improved my well-being over the last few days;

4) Good conversation and the occasion to reacquaint myself with James Taylor's music in a Starbuck's, of all places;

5) The power of conviction and no need to defend;

6) Never knowing what's around the corner, just that there is always something about to be possible;

7) Feeling good 98% of the time.

turkey day

I don't even remember what I did last year for Thanksgiving. Doesn't matter. This year, I am cooking food that I like, watching movies that I like, spending time with people that I like, and plotting what I want the holidays to be like for the rest of my life. Coming from an upbringing of more or less uncelebrated Memorial Days, July 4ths, Labor Days, and less than satisfying Thanksgivings and Christmases because of retail demand, my intention is to get over the story of lack in the past and find the juiciness in abundance for the future. There will be like-minded folks looking for the same kind of experience of good food, splendid conversation, music that makes the heart sing, fun and contentment blossoming in every moment. Plenty of bonfires, campfires, fireplaces. Somewhere on a lake seems to be a common theme, but I'm open to what my casting directors and location finders come up with.

Off to enjoy some pumpkin pie and killer chicken soup. I hope you enjoy your day, feel appreciation for everything that's brought you to it, and anticipation for everything that's growing from it.

nudges 11.18.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) My friend who helped me (thank you so much!) reload the operating system on my laptop to mitigate the minimal damage done by the nefarious spyware hackers. Just like having company makes you clean your house, wiping a hard drive makes you back up your files;

2) The opportunity to rest and feel better over the past several days, thank you boss;

3) Remembering where I was a year ago and knowing how crazy-different-better my life is right now is because I'm different;

4) Watching certain kinds of romantic comedies on a movie channel, the kind where a main character often does something not because they want to but because they feel they should to make someone else happy - they remind me how wacked out that really is, and I've had more than enough reminder today to last quite awhile, thank you;

5) Connecting with people - old friends, new friends, big hearts, wide open smiles;

6) Glimmers of what's new, what's around the corner, on the horizon;

7) Life is so very, very good.

hitting my stride

I've been working on a project for quite some time now, wondering how it would turn out in the end, since it wasn't as effortless and fun as I thought it should be. One night recently I sat down and asked Resistance what the hell it was doing here, showing up for my project? I kept looking for the way in, the way a dog circles and circles and circles before it finally lies down in the perfect spot.

I realized that I was struggling with the voice of the piece, and so far hadn't been honoring mine. Once that clicked, it felt like magic, and the writing since then has been a joy. I can't wait each night to see what's going to show up next on the screen and in the narrative.

This is what I was born to do.

Honor your voice.

things you want to say

Here's my list of answers for this meme (although I may not comply with the not telling part):

List ten things you want to say to 10 people you know, but never will for whatever reason. Don't say who they are. Use each person only once, and only use one sentence.

1. You didn't allow me to make an informed decision, which has compelled me to traffic in the honesty you weren't capable of, and for that I thank you.

2. Marinating in your skewed vision of the world is what woke me up to my reality, and for that I thank you.

3. What you do with your days has given me the deepest peace of mind I've ever known, and for that I thank you.

4. You did your best with what you know to be true, and for that I forgive you.

5. Your friendship has released me from an interminable sentence of self-torture, and for that I am eternally blessed.

6. Your showing up in my life changed things for the better in so many ways, and your reluctance to take credit for that is another part of your charm, no matter what anyone else says about you.

7. I've never felt so betrayed by anyone as I did you, and now I only feel compassion for the quagmire you stuck yourself in.

8. You are the epitome of living in fear on so many levels, and I shudder to think how narrowly I escaped taking on that fate for myself.

9. I learned from you what unconditional love and positive regard feels like, and it's quite the package.

10. You were in on this self-discovery thing from the beginning, which has made the journey that much deeper, that much sweeter, that much stronger.

nudges 10.03.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) A glimmer of understanding as to appreciating what you have now, and what shift that produces inside. I don't remember the context or the aha moment exactly anymore, but it's a start;

2) This awesome Indian summer that sends soothing breezes and sunshine through my system like ambrosia;

3) Technology that makes resolving an automobile breakdown as simple as a phone call and booting up a computer to work from home;

4) The kind and generous people who show up to play with me when these things happen;

5) An LCD monitor that allows my old, tired eyes a new lease on creative life;

6) A high-quality rebounder that makes exercising fun, especially with an mp3 player in the mix;

7) Having fun on a daily basis;

8) Feeling new circumstances working their way to me;

9) The feminine energy that simple things like pulling on a bracelet and brushing on some nail polish pulls through me;

10) Practice in standing in my truth and the notching up of entrenched skill level.

freebird

This morning on my way to work, in the surge of early morning rush-hour traffic going in the opposite direction on a three-lane suburban interstate, I saw a dude on a motorcycle riding his bike vertically. His grey sweatshirt and nondescript helmet belied not a Harley fan but a plain ol' biker Joe who was rockin' out to some inner joy that he felt like expressing in that moment in the perfect way. I turned around to watch him as far as I could before the twists and turns of the highway blocked my view. He was nearly airborne for at least half a mile. I wish I had been among the lucky ones to share the road with him so I could have taken his picture, or at least tried to.

Rock on, dude.

LC-DC

Four hours, several tech support conversations, a trip to Office Depot and one very special geek friend later, the new LCD monitor that I bought this afternoon is operational. Now my aging eyes can see what I'm doing on screen without taxing their already low squinting reserves. It's a beautiful thing. Thank you.

nudges 09.20.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Hugs that feel like honey, oozy and warm and sweet;

2) Allowing abundance to flow in my life;

3) Getting my space and my memory foam back after visitors went home after a nice visit;

4) Enjoying the shifts in self-image that the universe sent my way, just for me;

5) Knowing on many levels that I am happy and healthy;

6) The recently discovered word "grock";

7) Shoes and bracelets that make me feel feminine and sexy;

8) Indian summer;

9) Riding top-down in a convertbile;

10) An entire weekend looming free and extending into the horizon;

11) Savoring plans to meet that make me smile.

nudges 09/10/07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) The contentment that attends the accomplishment of disengaging an old, destructive pattern and practicing a new one in its place. The relief quotient is breath-taking, too;

2) Realizing where gifts lay strewn in my path, answered desires that take shape in ways I could not anticipate or choreograph on my own, but that serve me perfectly;

3) Gastronomic delights, prepared with love;

4) Discovering that my body's reaction to caffeine is not as restrictive as I thought;

5) Nutmeg for my coffee;

6) Beliefs that get scrutinized after noticing that they don't feel good - duh;

7) Feeling for the right time to take inspired action, rather than leaping to the action journey from habit;

8) Believing that everything - everything - is at my fingertips.

9) Thinking that soon I will report that I know everything is at my fingertips.

nudges 08/24/07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) A long weekend of mommy time. The possibilities are endless...

2) The sunrise this morning, looking like a sparkling sandy beach up there in the sky. Absolutely gorgeous....

3) Feedback from several coworkers that makes me feel good about what I'm doing;

4) Movement towards my desire to become proficient in Photoshop manifesting;

5) Knowing, not hoping;

6) People who opened their doors to my son when he needed a place to be, and appreciate him for who he is;

7) Realizing that I have what I want - thank you, T;

8) So looking forward to what happens next.

big brothers

Two teenaged boys and a squirt in third grade were playing sand volleyball this evening near a playground Little Man and I frequent quite often. I cringed inside when I realized that Little Man wanted to hang out with them. His Asperger's makes social situations a trial, because he wants so much to be included but he just doesn't know how. However, the teenagers asked him several times if he wanted to join, and he said no. Then he changed his mind and joined in for a little while, peppering the banter on the court with the Spanish he's been learning. They were kind enough to tolerate his awkward attempts at social interaction, and he enjoyed the experience immensely. Thank you to the mom who raised those two - I see them playing with their younger sisters and being awesome big brothers too. Thank you.

nudges 08/09/07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) This peaceful easy feelin' that's been floating around me the last few days. There's nothing on my mind, no situation to fix, no goal to wrestle to the ground in submission, just knowing--knowing that so much sweetness is around the corner, down the pike, up the street, in the face of the next person I meet;

2) Tomorrow is payday and I didn't know until I checked my bank balance and wondered how that deposit got there;

3) Good food, good talk and a good walk with my good friend T;

4) Having the kind of features that are enhanced by wearing a black fedora;

5) Being asked by my boss if I'd like to attend a one-day seminar on Photoshop. Um, yes:

6) Random conversations about redirecting your thinking away from worry, doubt and fear;

7) Music, for every mood;

8) Spending the weekend with my son;

9) Cooler, kinder weather;

10) A slight dip in gas prices;

11) Less and less bargaining with myself about who I am;

12) Getting a new hard drive on my laptop at work, and an upgrade to Office 2003 - woo hoo!

13) Hearing the straight skinny from the executive team whose stream of energy I've found my way into, set into motion with all of their cumulative years of experience, bringing them to this point in their careers where they are at the top of their game, collectively, having fun bringing their vision to life, and bringing the rest of us along for the ride;

14) My friend, L, who was there when I woke up from the anesthesia those many years ago with a wet washcloth for me to suck on. If I'd only known then what I do now.....

nudges 08/02/07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Films like Broken English that leaveme feeling grounded and soft and centered; and which also reminded me of:

2) Angels like Drew Rieco of Clinton, New Jersey, who struck up a conversation with me on the Spanish Steps in 1979, bought me lunch, took me back to his hotel room and didn't take advantage of me, even if at the I wanted him to;

3) Being aligned in order to meet some really cool people, engage in synchronistic conversations, and have all this be the order of the day;

4) My beautiful new bathroom sink and countertop;

5) AC so I can sleep at night;

6) Being able to believe, when so many can't;

7) The discipline of exercise and stretching and getting enough sleep. It feels sooooooooo good when I just do it.

nudges 07/20/07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Having a boss who is cool about working from home - thank you, thank you, thank you!

2) A beeee-ooo-tiful summer day with which to enjoy said working from home;

3) The cable guy who said he downgraded my service, but as of this writing, I am being charged for limited and receiving basic;

4) A son who is so lined up with who he is;

5) A man who lives in my apartment complex with a little two-year-old daughter. His patience seems infinite, his monitoring never wavers while she plays with other kids, and I salute his solitary duty;

6) A man who is taking his daughter on vacation after a long absence between them. I salute his intentions and his awesome parenting;

7) A man who was going to be taking his mother on a short vacation but instead found her on her kitchen floor, injured and needing intensive medical care. Love and light to both of them;

8) Creative juices when they flow--after they ebb in that fallow period;

9) Manifesting a great deal on my lease renewal on my apartment. They appreciate good tenants, and I appreciate good landlords;

10) An imminent financial transaction that will make eighteen years of socking away $60 a month the cumulative gift to myself that it is;

11) Technology that allows me to communicate and radiate out to people I've never met but feel connected to through an umbilical cord galaxies long;

12) Honoring my gut and saying, "No, thanks," when appropriate;

13) A free weekend.

puppy dog tails

Thank you, Universe, for open, giving boys, who haven't yet learned, or perhaps never will, the cynical, aloof ways of the masculine. You saw two of them at the skateboard park today, approaching B-man while we watched them do their stuff, to see if he wanted to try one of their boards. Well, you arranged the whole thing, so you know how one of them persisted until B-man got on for a few seconds, and even in all his reluctance, he enjoyed it. And wanted to say thank you for the try a little later, but the pair were engrossed in their skating, and we left.

Puppy-dog tails, longish hair hanging in their eyes at an angle, surrounded by older, practiced swaggers and the rhythmic sway of skaters completely at home in motion, backwards and forwards. Thank you for reaching out, and being kind, and for starting on the board, as you said, at four years old. I bet you were an awesome kid even then.

you can't control your kids

He let his bike slow to a stop, stepped off of it, lowered the kickstand. The geese on the grassy banks on either side of the road drew him. He wanted them to go into the pond. Like herding cats, I thought. It occured to me to shut the hell up. I watched as he attempted to corral them to the water's edge, their resoluteness in refusing, and occasionally my impatience overtook my desire. I wanted him to come on, get back on the bike, let's do what we came out here to do. But he would resist my entreaties, and once again run at the birds to make his idea happen.

And it did - I still don't quite know how, but two sets of fowl, on either side of the road that bridged the pond, ran into the water in high style, swimming away from him with grace and surrender. "What an experience!" he said, thrilled at the sight and the reward of his persistance.

I need to shut the hell up more often.

nudges for 07/11/07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) The very kind woman from whom I purchased a used bicycle for myself - she had my interests at heart rather than her own when substituting one bike for another when the first had brake issues;

2) T, for taking the time to help me, again, get the bike up to specs and up to speed - it feels SOOOOOOOOOO good to ride that thing;

3) The ever-increasing capacity to change my mind about how I feel, to talk myself up the emotional scale;

4) The stupendously awesome weather today after the oppressive heat;

5) Books that give me a new perspective from which to observe contrast, and shoot off new rockets of desire;

6) Trying on a new name - the one by which I was commonly known in my teens and twenties - the persona simply reasserted herself recently, and I am delighted with the chutzpah in that act, and the reinvigorated energy she provides;

7) My son's enthusiasm for whatever it is he is learning or interested in at the moment, and his ability to make me laugh at times when I first feel like groaning in irritation and agony;

8) All of my friends, for being the wonderful sources of joy, camaraderie, and support that they are, especially when my thinking is not clear;

9) How good food can taste when shared with the right person;

10) The ebb and flow of my job, the people who swirl around me and whom I help complete what they need to complete.

nudges 07.05.07

I am so happy and so very grateful for:

1) Seeing daylight on the other side of something huge;

2) Being a brave Smart Girl;

3) Yanking my cable service;

4) Reaching out to friends when I need some support;

5) Getting the support I asked for;

6) Computers are so cool when they do what you want them to;

7) Trying on my name from my youth for size again;

8) Meeting new friends;

9) Being alive to smell and listen and taste and touch, for the Peanut Gallery.

Oh, and I forgot. 10) Blowtorches are very good things, indeed.

nudges 06/27/07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) The momentum that shoots out and takes me for rollercoaster rides when I least expect them, even when I try to hang on to the side rails;

2) A break in the heat, accompanied by thrilling thunder and torrential rain - very interesting to witness inside a building lined with windows and a metal roof

3) The opportunity to test my abilities in design in a back-door sort of way;

4) Learning what friendship really means.

nudges 06.20.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) my new personal cave - I decided strings of lights would be distracting and defeat the purpose of the ambience - candles and tea lights are groovy, though;

2) gorgeous, gorgeous weather today - oh, it was difficult to return to work after my retail foray at lunch;

3) noting evidence of the influence of my presence in my new work space - camraderie and good vibes abound;

4) Medical professionals who have performed procedures on themselves to understand what their patients go through;

5) Getting home late afternoon rather than early evening, and having all that time to do whatever I choose.

nudges 06.12.07

I appreciate and am so very grateful for:

1) The swirling dervish that is my awareness, of emotional imprints from the past that arise as if to tear me apart once again, but then benignly float away, with a gratifyingly confused look on their faces as they do so;

2) The satisfaction of power tools in my hand as I slowly shape pieces of wood into a piece of furniture;

3) Choosing the bigger freedom of feeling better rather than trying to control conditions as a parent:

4) Expanding my repertoire of ayurvedic recipes and loving the ever-growing collection of spices in my refrigerator. Oatmeal with cardamom, dates, cinnamon, banana, apple and maple syrup is one such simple pleasure;

5) The return of a coworker who spreads light wherever he goes;

6) Tofu is not so bad when mooshed up with spices;

7) Driving with confidence after repairs are made to my vehicle;

8) Luscious summer evenings that live and breathe;

9) Friends who grapple with what life brings head-on, and humbly so;

10) New neuropathways that grow in pure oxygen and branch out from ideas that frolic with each other in pure relief from the old, ground-into-the-dirt variety;

11) Lying on a mat in the sun and sleeping for 45 minutes, and not caring about bedhead.

nudges 06.01.07

I am grateful for:

1) Temporary weight-loss of 11 pounds while on the cleanse. It feels great to get rid of whatever leftover medicinal sludge was left in me from my shoulder escapades, and deviations from good eating over the past three years or so;

2) A new way of cooking to delight my taste buds, my body and my creativity. Even before the cleanse I was craving this, and ayurvedic seems to fit the bill quite nicely. Lots of room to play around and adapt;

3) Incorporating elements of light and space and efficiency into my living area based on what jazzes me about unique structures out there on the market place;

4) Contrast, which inspires more rockets of clarified desire;

5) Physicians who talk and who listen;

6) Public libraries - what a concept;

7) The craggy old black dude who joked with me about my hair at the health food store, saying I've got it all over Sinead O'Connor;

8) Ebb and flow, clench and let go;

9) Organic food that feels so good inside.

nudges 05/23/07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) My body's ability to respond to this cleanse experience that way it has, with enthusiasm and spirit and knowing;

2) Spending a beautiful spring evening with my friend, getting some high-energy exercise and the soothing, low-energy kind too;

3) Giving myself permission to rent instead of buy;

4) Manifesting more and more creative outlets;

5) No-meeting zone on Wednesday mornings;

6) Chair massages;

7) Getting rid of stories that no longer serve me (if they ever did);

8) Libraries;

9) Spelling everything right the first time.

for this again

This gift  I give myself is getting easier to give.

Doesn't mean that don't I slip up and watch myself try to pretend that it might be OK to go for something that isn't good for me anyway. Now, though, that I've been practicing some, I know I'm watching, and to disappoint the watcher, the observer, well, that's just too much pain to contain anymore. The observer deserves more than that.

And it's different now. I recognize the inappropriate, the unsuitable, the incompatible, the shallow end swimmer. It's a sort of scattered, all-over-the-place feeling I pick up, since their energy isn't focused. It feels like I'm waiting at a bus stop for the connection to show up, and it doesn't. It can't, because it's the wrong street, it's the wrong route, it's the wrong bloody bus company.

It's easier to say, "No, thanks." And mean it.

What makes it even easier to spot is knowing how the exact opposite feels. When that bus arrives, actually just the approach, when you see it coming from a few blocks away, there is confirmation, there is anticipation, there is a letting go. The doors swing open, and there are so many interesting conversations to begin in any given seat. And the destination on the sign above the driver's head--that's just for looks. The possibilities unfold as far and wide as I am able to allow.

And what about that--living large, wide open, full-throttle, inhaling the texture of every day until it hurts so good you cry out in gratitude?

What about that?  

nudges 05.09.07

The power just came back on after about an hour of interrupted service. My observer noticed that my mind tallied what sorts of activities I couldn't participate in because of it - internet connection, watching a dvd, cooking, computer when the battery would need charging, alarm clock at my bedside. Hmmmm. So I popped an Abraham cd I had just received in the mail into a cd player that runs on batteries, did my stretching and strengthening exercises, and proceeded to bliss out with a list of what I was grateful for:

1) It wasn't 95 degrees out with no AC respite;

2) I wasn't in the middle of cooking a meal for several people and would have to figure out alternatives, although that could be fun in and of itself;

3) I discovered the alarm clock function on my cell phone, should it ever become necessary;

4) I chose the path of least resistance.

Then, from other parts of my day:

5) Walked onto a golf course for the first time in a few years and was able to just have fun, rather than analyze every shot as I was taught;

6) Telling someone who really needs to hear it, "We're human and we make mistakes.";

7) Working in a department that has feminine energy activated and coordinates celebrations that involve bringing in of extraordinary taste sensations - I had the best guacamole prepared by someone from Peru, who would not divulge the ingredients other than cilantro, and tamales delivered by the wife of a coworker, retrieved from a restaurant that specializes in such things that's an hour each way by car;

8) Feeling about trust and its many levels, noodling around in that territory and anticipating registering some shifts;

9) Knowing that it takes just a refocusing of my thought to change how I feel, and doing that quite deliberately when certain types of thoughts try to enter my sacred space;

10) The universe answering my high energy exercise entreaties so deliciously and so splendidly.

nudges 05/02/07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Better living through pharmaceuticals. A throat thing had me down for the count, but thanks to some inexpensive drugs that were available because I have health insurance, I am back on the mend;

2) An automobile repair place just up the street from where I live. Convenience can be a beautiful thing;

3) Reconnecting with music that gets me out of my chair to dance, still, twenty-something years later;

4) Guava body butter. Oh. my. god.....;

5) Knowing that saying "No, thanks" is always an option. I can hear the universe reshuffling its cards as it downshifts to accommodate my clarifying;

6) Having former department mates who keep inviting you to things after you are gone;

7) Loving my life, just the way it is, in all its perfect imperfection;

8) Oprah putting good news on the airwaves, in total and stark contrast to what's available anywhere else. Granted, she has her share of sensationalist guests, but what I saw today reminded me of what witnessing the good that can come out of tragedy and difficulty and bewilderment can do for the human mind/body/spirit and the effect that has on each of us;

9) How much difference a year can make. Cheers.

nudges 4.19.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Persistence in my perennial search for how the universe works. If not for that persistence and need to know, I wouldn't be enjoying the most amazing period of my life - ever - right now;

2) The ability to let go of resistance myself, and perceive when resistance shields are up or not in someone else.  Subsequently, the state of grace that exists when resistance is out of commission in both parties is nothing short of miraculous;

3) Ricola cough drops;

4) When synchronicity comes out to play in all its glee-filled glory;

5) To witness for myself that people around me behave the way I'm vibrating, whether in the upper or lower registers of the emotional scale;

6) The Taming of the Anxiety Shrew;

7) Hearing new music with friends and adding some of it to my mp3 mood enhancement repertoire;

8) being so happy and very grateful;

9) knowing that I know.

nudges 04.16.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Returning from a spring break jaunt with sanity/body/mind/soul intact;

2) Music that continuously amazes me with its transportive powers;

3) Higher highs on the emotional scale, and higher lows;

4) New friends who are open-minded and willing to try new things;

5) Discovering interests in common with people I have known for quite awhile;

6) Feeling comfortable in my own skin;

7) Fresh-cut flowers;

8) Easing back into the workaday world;

9) Being paid to do something I love to do.

nudges 03.28.07

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) Warm weather days to remind me of what's to come - it's like sitting down to a bowl of tomato soup and a plate of grilled cheese sandwich;

2) Finding a physician/healer who is somewhere in the same wavelength as I am in terms of body/mind/spirit connections;

3) Knowing - it gets stronger every day;

4) Discipline to exercise and repair body function;

5) The ability to pull back and not get swept up in power struggles or perceived slights - it's so much more fun;

6) Technology that makes a folding bike possible.

the architecture of happiness

"The more beautiful something is, the sadder we risk feeling, so that standing in front of a painting by Pieter de Hooch of a grave-faced little boy diligently bringing his mother some loaves of bread, or of John Wood the Younger's Royal Crescent in Bath, we may find ourselves not so far from tears.

Our sadness [will be]...a blend of joy and MELANCHOLY: joy at the perfection we see before us, melancholy at an awareness of how seldom  we are sufficiently blessed to encounter anything of its kind...Christian philosophers have been singularly alive to the sadness which beauty may provoke. The religious explanation put forward, as rationally implausible as it is psychologically intriguing, is that we recognize beautiful things as symbols of the unblemished life we once enjoyed in the Garden of Eden...Beauty, then, is a fragment of the divine, and the sight of it saddens us by evoking our sense of loss and our YEARNING for the life denied us. The qualities written into beautiful objects are those of a God from whom we live far removed, in a world mired in sin."

~Alain de Botton - The Architecture of Happiness, 2006

*********************************************************

I stumbled upon this snippet in an interior design magazine. Still shaking my head at it. Amazed at the copyright date - expected 1910,or something. How opposite this person and I are in our approaches to life. How limited their view, how unexamined their beliefs. And how grateful I am that I see perfection all around me every day, that I feel the divine coursing through my psyche whenever I choose to, and that I think the garden is really here on earth, now. Alain and I would have an interesting time being shipwrecked on a desert island together, would we not? 

nudges 03.08.07

This day I was honored to witness the fruition of so many of my dreams. This day I was humbled by the process I've been riding so hard. This day I received material evidence of what is possible.

I am so happy and very grateful for:

1) The powers that be who orchestrated my being offered the job of my dreams, and all the mechanizations that led up to it;

2) The people who said such nice things about me and who have the faith in me to bring me on board their endeavor;

3) This bloody wonderful feeling in my gut that everything is just as it should be;

4) Confidence in my abilities to learn and to act and to grow and to shine;

5) Awesome people to share this news with;

6) More incentive than I can say to keep living and speaking and walking my truth.

for this

There is a gift in everything, when we are able to see it. Soon I will have the opportunity to say, for the first time in my life while it's happening, "This doesn't work for me," without blame, without animosity, without expectation. That is huge for me on many levels.

For one, the "while it's happening" part, instead of waiting until an issue expands and multiplies and breeds into a pack of ice weasels. For another, not pointing a finger while speaking my truth, except maybe back at myself because I own what I am saying. For another, the no expectations part, because I have no idea where this will take me, and that is okay. More than okay. It is freeing.

Doesn't mean it won't affect me, won't tear me up on some level, won't rock my world. But I know that I will be OK with it all.