Thursday, December 08, 2011

7 Milestones to the Connected and Committed Relationship One of the most annoying things about relationships that mystified me for years was the deja vu effect: the phenomenon of the same kind of potential partner showing up, bringing very little variation on the theme of emotional unavailability to the table. There were slight improvements from one to the next, but not to the point where I experienced connected and committed, what I was shooting for, what I knew was possible. Until I got connected with and committed to myself. There were seven milestones along the way to my understanding of what that meant, seven key realizations that I eventually came to through hard work, intention, and a need to know that just would not let me be. Each of those "Ah-ha!" moments are available to anyone who is ready for them. I offer them to you here in the hopes of adding one to your collection when the opportunity shows up today. Which it will. Those opportunities are endless. Whether we choose to view them as such is another story, which is a great segue into Number One: #1 - Keep looking for the intellectual framework that explains how the universe works to your satisfaction. This could be a religious or spiritual practice, or a body of work by an certain author, or a combination of a few different ideas. Whatever those pieces of wisdom are, you'll know them when you bump into them because of how the teachings resonate with you, how they fill in the gaps where other frameworks were lacking, and especially in how they make you feel on a daily basis. Having an answer to the "why" and "how" of our existence makes the "how" and the "why" of relationship yin and yang easier to find. My own personal cosmology is eclectic and diverse,...
Coffee Grounds are the Spice of Life Coffee grounds are a necessary evil in the production of magnificent java beverages. Getting the used grounds to an acceptable receptacle can be tricky business, as anyone who has had to clean up after a nasty spill can testify. But there just isn't any way around having to deal with the sloppy, messy stuff that's left over if you want a cup full of various degrees of caffeinated goodness. The same holds true in being alive on the planet. Those relationships and jobs and living situations that we perhaps cringe over and might even prefer never existed? They are life's coffee grounds. They served a purpose in helping us to hone in on our preferences in a life partner, an employment situation or a lifestyle that makes us happy. Very few people emerge as young adults unscathed enough from the "you-should-do-things-this-way" immersion that is childhood to A) know what those preferences are, and B) to actually pursue them without the burden of recrimination from one member of the peanut gallery or another. So for the rest of us, dating and/or marrying a certain type of person, or studying a certain subject area in college, or buying a certain type of abode is more than likely going to be a practice round of sorts, because we got trained out of listening to the reliable source of wisdom within. But even if we got all of those things "right" the first time, there are decades to come where our interests will grow and shift and change, so what felt like the right "fit" at 21 will suddenly not satisfy in the least at 45. That's how life is supposed to be. We are supposed to grow and shift and change, in spite of what we're taught about the illusion of security and...

Deb Schanilec

Connected and Committed relationship transformation strategist.

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