Connected and Committed

Walking Through the Valley of the Shadow of Disapproval, or Am I Going To Die?

by Deb Schanilec

Yes, it’s true—at times even this blissmonger (some of you folks know me by that persona J) encounters what some might call “choppy waters”.

Without going into too much detail, I’ll simply say that a worldview epically polar opposite mine inserted itself into my presence recently. Someone significant to my experience on the planet was trying to be supportive in the only way they knew how.



This worldview focused on lack, playing small, hedging against all possible contingencies, contraction, fear, doubt, worry and anxiety to the degree that this person couldn’t hear otherwise if their life depended on it.

Of course they had the same opinion of my worldview, as polar opposites are wont to do.

I wasn’t being reasonable with my focusing on abundance, playing large, expansion, belief, knowing and positive expectation, and my life depended on being able to hear otherwise.

There was a time in the not-so-distant past when circumstances like this would have had me stewing because of the meaning I attributed to someone else’s opinion being different than mine.

I would have been lost in anger, blame, guilt, or some other savory spot on the emotional scale, and quite possibly even succumbed to the temptation to abdicate my worldview for theirs altogether.

I would have been up most of the night, losing sleep because of the Tasmanian Devil of a tizzy I’d worked myself into, thinking of the perfect come-back that would convince them of my position that I hadn’t had the presence of mind to articulate at the time in my state of shock.

However.

Because of the investment I’ve made in choosing where my mind hangs out most often, doing the maintenance work that keeps it there and supplementing with enhancements as often as possible, my response was much different this time.

I just felt sorry for them.

I understood why they felt the way they did, what life events had brought them to the beliefs that held them prisoner, and I felt sorry for them.

Their gloomy outlook didn’t change my plans a lick.

As a matter of fact, it helped further anchor my resolve to see them through.

Not in a knee-jerk, “I’ll-show-them” kind of way, although that spirit certainly has its place, especially if you’ve spent most of your time stuck in anger and resentment.

My gut told me that I was right on track, didn’t need to detour here, and everything was going to be fine.

I had successfully traversed a particular grouping of baby steps along the emotional scale, and boy, did it feel good.

We often attribute progress towards a goal in physical baby steps, or the accumulation of tasks that can be tangibly measured.

That’s great, that’s empowering, that’s satisfying.

But the ones that really count are the ones that you take, gradation by gradation, from your set point day-in, day-out being that of anger most of the time, to discouragement, to blame, to worry, to doubt, to disappointment, to overwhelment, to mere frustration, to pessimism, to boredom—and then things get really interesting.

And you can tell how you’re doing with this tweaking by how the people around you typically respond to you.

When they stop reacting to you from those same pockets on the emotional scale, now you’re cookin’ with gas.

You’ve done the work to divest yourself from the Velcro hook of triggers, and taken your power back.



Even though their stuff and their projections are all about them, it’s still really all about you.

And that’s great news, because that’s all we can ever do anything about: our response to what does, or doesn’t, happen.

This has absolutely nothing to do new year's resolutions

by Deb Schanilec

Ah, yes. The new year's resolution hoopla is in full force.

I hope you've found a way to insulate yourself from it.

Seriously.

Any self-respecting change process worth its salt hasn't transpired because of a calendar page turning.

That is not to say that growing restless and weary of some unacceptable circumstance continuing into the year quickly approaching hasn't been the inspiration for the dropping of a habit that doesn't serve, while successfully exchanging it for one that does.

Peel back the surface of that inspiration however and you'll see the true mechanics of change at work. The order in which these layers peel themselves away isn't important; it's the peeling away that matters.

Layer #1 - There was an element of closure underneath that successful inspiration.

A line was crossed in our thinking as to how things were going to be from now on.

A recognition dawned of who exactly held the keys to unlock the door of the self-imposed prison we lived in.

A belief was busted.

And things were never the same again.

Layer #2 - There was a draining of resentment, justification and self-loathing juices from our daily marinade.

We bumped into a set of words we'd not heard in quite that way before, and suddenly it all made sense.

That thing that occurred years ago, and the resulting position we defended for decades because of it, it lost its hold on us.

Any substantive change I've ever seen happen, happened because the person identified a piece of misinformation that was running them, and then dropped it for a truth that set them free.

Not "the" truth.

Just a truth.

And that made all the difference.

Layer #3 - While we might not have been aware of it at the time, there were also hundreds of baby steps involved in getting us from Where We Were to This New Place.

None of them could have been skipped, hurried or replaced.

Each of them was required to dismantle the old guard and establish the new.

So if you find yourself these days wanting to say, "This is going to be the year that I....," hang on a second.

Instead of joining the millions of folks who, a few short weeks from now, will be bemoaning the fact that their resolution has once again gone rogue on them, cut yourself some slack.

This especially applies in terms of relationship deja vu and Same Guy, Different Face (SGDF) Syndrome.

Right now, you can start to peel back your own layers, instead of beating yourself up over why Mr./Ms. Right isn't showing up yet.

You can read more about the process here.

In the meantime, take it easy with those resolutions.

They can really get your year off to a bad start.